in processing
I have a hard time writing in this because I've grown weary of staring at a computer screen. But there's a lot to process. A huge cluttered sea of so much going on. I focus on the little things but I can't get the big picture. What is outside of me and how do I get there?So, at a loss for where to begin I thought I'd google "things to ask yourself". Here's the first result: carnatic.com And actually, it looks like this first source got it from here: storybin.com
And so, question number 1: What am I resisting?
The seeds of growth lie in your resistance to what is new, unfamiliar, or unpleasant. All too often, the very things we resist most are the things that force us to grow the most. So, be attentive to those subtle gut-tightening signals that hint of an opportunity for learning
God, what am i resisting? I know it's something. Is it love? Is it success? Is it praise? Is it responsibility? Fuck..
Stability?
I don't fucking know. I seriously need a warm-up to that question.
I resist anyone asking about my plans. I only know I want to be somewhere else, doing something else. But so far both Andrew and Aaron have been asking what my plans are, such as timelines and wheres and whats and I get really irritated at this. I don't know why. I do know that questions about the unknown future have always irritated me. I hate to say I'll do something and then I never do it. I hate to commit to anything.
I'm resisting giving an honest answer to this question.
Skipping ahead..
Have I been here before?
Often our most pressing issues are thinly disguised versions of problems we've failed to solve in the past. Different names and faces maybe, but the same underneath, destined not to go away until we meet and resolve them once and for all. If your answer to this question is, yes, then maybe it's time to get to the bottom of the issue and solve it!
Yes, I have. There's a little deja vu going on because I'm breaking up with someone again. And I wonder why it is I do this. How did I just shut off like this? Do I have this insane fear that someone might actually really love me? Why do I need to keep my distance? Are my expectations and ideals much too high? Why can't I show emotion or vulnerability? Why can't I show I'm human?
Why am I answering these questions with more questions?
*sigh*
Well at least this starts the wheels turning. I need to lay it all out. It's been exhausting, being consumed with this self-assessment and not getting anywhere. More and more I want to be alone to figure this out. I'm a puzzle. An enigma. A puzzle to myself most of all. But I keep trusting, when I get like this, that the answers, the solution will come to me. I'm just processing right now.
Another skip..
Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
One of the most difficult tasks of this life consists in letting go-of our attachments, of ego, of our need to be right, and ultimately, of this life. You cannot fly unless you are willing to relinquish your firm footing on earth; flying requires that sort of faith, and commitment. The surprising thing is that, when we really let go, we begin to grow.
Yes. I have an attachment. Probably an unhealthy one. Or maybe I need to just take a risk. Let him know I talk to him every day in my head. I'm too scared to tell anyone. Because maybe I'm clinging to something completely delusional. But is it okay to be a little crazy? Could it possibly mean I'm just human?
Do I need to be okay with how I'm feeling, or do I work to convince myself to just let go? I'm torn between "if it happens, it happens" and "you have to make it happen".
It's been a while since I've talked to someone in my head. I may not have even done it since the first boyfriend. I think it shows I've really lost it. I have to let this go and let this be. I'm happy for just the experience of knowing him. I need to let go of this obsession. I think I'm clinging to it because I want something more in my own life. But this isn't the way to do it. I'm jumping to conclusions. All sorts of conclusions. I need to sit back and let things be.
I can go with the flow.
Have I mentioned I'm very much out of practic with this journaling thing?
Am I in the present?
Every moment you spend regretting the past or worrying about the future is a moment of the present, lost. Yes, we need to complete the past, wind up our unfinished business, and be attentive to trends that portend of future events, but we can take action only in the present. So, that's where your full attention needs to be, and staying in the present is a full time job.
This I know, and this I've struggled with. I'm not at all in the present. Because I've decided I don't like the present. I don't like my job, I'm tired of the city and, well, et cetera. I tune out everything. And instead I fret and daydream in my head. I could've/should've said this to him. why does this matter? it was a bad time, cosmically speaking, but it was also the best time there was. I needed that trip. It helped me face things and realize things that were piling up without me being aware. I'd become too materialistic. It was my new addiction. I wasn't really happy here in Chicago and, yeah, things were lacking in the relationship. I came back from that trip with such a profound sense of peace. Something I hadn't had in a very long time.
Miami beckons. Do I heed her call yet again?