apres moi, le deluge
Writing you might be a bad idea, and I only say that because it didn't work out so well last time. :p I could start light with a "hey, how have things been going" but there's so much more than that that's been weighing hard for a long time now. I'm just trying to reach out. I know you want to remain neutral where Kasi is concerned, so I'm leaving all that out. I only hope one day that you and I can work out our differences. I know you had a lot to say to Andrew about me this past summer that for some reason you couldn't say directly to me. Maybe you were lashing out, or maybe that's how you really felt. Maybe you completely forgot all about it. Whatever.My only thing is, family is really important to me. I really struggle with how aloof your family can be.
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no.
this email is just a really, really bad. bad idea. the thing is i have to let this go. it isn't my place. i would love to be the magical mediator who can suddenly say exactly the right thing to bring brother and sister back together.
but the family is crazy. like, mental nobody-deals-with-their-issues crazy. the mother an alcoholic. the son manic-depressive. the daughter only god knows. and i won't even begin to define the father.
well all that was rude to say, wasn't it? everyone's a little crazy anyway. but this situation, i just really can't figure out what it all stems from. they all live in their own bubble.
blah.
i miss warm fuzzies and everyone getting along. i hate, hate fake. it tears me up inside. i can't fucking do it. who do we fucking trust anymore?
his parents have always had a laissez faire attitude. it really doesn't work so well on the kids. and here andrew has a major issue and he's all alone. his father says he wants to deal with the legalities of it, but what does he care? he's in south africa. the mother's first reaction is that andrew shouldn't move back because it won't do anything. but no one else is going to fight this battle for him. it shouldn't be a fucking battle every time to see your son.
his mother says he has more opportunities in chicago. as far as i can see, there really isn't anything for him here. maybe andrew would like to keep playing it up like there is, but there's really nothing.
either they're all hiding the fact that they're really zombies, or nobody cares. nobody fucking cares.
and i feel just as humilated, abused, broken and hopeless as if it were me dealing with all this shit. except that i wouldn't have hesitated to tell people off. i might've put them in their place. i might've given them good reason to back off.
but because i'm powerless to do anything since it's not my battle, and because he can't handle it himself, i am beyond sick to death of this shit. i want out.
i have myself to tend to. that's what my focus needs to be this year. i've lost myself. and i've let this go on for far too long.
i would love nothing more than to show them the way of healing, repair, forgiveness and to enable them all to treat each other with respect and in a reasonable manner again.. to be friends & family again.. but it's gotta be on their own terms. it's their lives, their family. if they miss out on how good it can be, it's their loss.