if you stayed over
i felt light on my walk to work this morning. there isn't much to worry me. i'm sure i can think of something, but nothing so pressing. it's a good way to start the new year.aaron was in my dream last night. i never really dream of him, and i was happy he was there. i just happened to see him walking down the street. i paused for a bit, going over in my head whether i should approach, and then i ran after him. i was expecting some hostility, but he was sorta friendly. i don't remember much of what was said, but somehow he ended up helping me get back to where i was.
dec 19 was our anniversary. is it 3 years? 4? 5? i don't even know anymore. another year and we still haven't done the divorce. i don't know why. i don't want to deal with it. and i don't want to close the door. i wonder if he even remembered. i don't know what he thinks of things anymore. he is so hard to get at, to get an honest answer of how he feels about things. he wants to mess around or lash out first. while he is fun, he was never easy to communicate with. at least with relationship matters. but maybe that didn't start until we started feeling very differently about the relationship. and then there were always some matters that he just would never let me touch.
Over the holidays, it occurred to me a couple times that I don't have as much fun with this guy. He doesn't let loose, holds back, isn't adventuresome, whatever.. But I think communication is really strong. He will get defensive, but I am for the most part able to break through. He won't try to distract with other things. He demonstrates ernestness and willingness.
So it's the dilemma of what's more important. Can I be happy with someone who isn't as much fun? Am I happier with someone who's always up for anything, or with someone I can work with?
Why is there always something missing, no matter which way you turn..?