get the guns out
he's fucking me. and he starts hitting me. repeated blows to the face. the same cheek. my left cheek. this behavior was okay. i okayed it. encouraged it, even. but i didn't have warning this time. and he was doing it a lot more this time, a lot harder. i started wincing when i felt another one coming. but i didn't stop him. i wanted him to do it. i want him to let go and not hold back. he seemed to get off on it.and i thought i was okay until he stopped and rested on top of me. at that moment, something welled up. i could feel it make its journey, rising to the surface. i'm still not sure what it is. but it made me cry.
in some ways i liked it because it was a release. but now there seems to be some residue left over. pain? resentment? i want to be callous and mean to him. spiteful. sometimes i want to just start hitting him. i've been pretty considerate living here with him, but i feel that fading.
what exactly happened last night? i feel like some sort of exchange has taken place. what did i give him? what did he take from me? what did i take from him..?
when we talked about being violent prior, i told him i could handle it. i told him if it was too much, i'd stop him, don't worry. i've been in the situation before, after all. i know how to defend myself. while he didn't actually hurt my cheek, i wasn't prepared for this emotional reaction.
and now.. i don't know how to express what's going on.
i thought it wasn't possible for him to hurt me. i guess i was wrong. what this tells me, though, is that i am more attached than i thought.