your ex-lover is still alive
Tomorrow.So why aren't I excited yet?
i was reading through my personal bible last night (you can heal your life) when i realized, yes, i am holding on to a lot of anger and resentment where my parents are concerned. i don't know how to let it go. give it up. i don't know how to talk to my mother to reach some kind of common ground. she sees everything so completely differently. and stepdad, i just don't know how to talk to, period.
she was trying to tell me i can't make up my own rules and morals as i go along and i believe that yes i can. i wonder how much she even realizes that the whole world doesn't believe what christian americans believe. she tries to talk to me about the way she was brought up, the way i was brought up. fuck the way y'all were brought up. i believe in thinking for myself. and that was the whole problem with the way they bring people up. i was never encouraged to think for myself, and i didn't even realize i could until later on.
i told her i was over how horribly she treated me growing up. but the problem is now is that it just doesn't seem possible to see eye to eye on my lifestyle. and it's not even that the way i live is that "out there" or anything. i barely know how to coexist with these people. she complains i never tell her anything, but the fact remains that i can't tell her anything because if anything is brought up, we are going to clash.
so we keep it simple. food, weather, shopping. stupid stuff that doesn't matter.
well. i guess the weather matters these days.
jude said last night that i am an adulterer. and, yeah, technically i am. he wanted me to disagree with him. so i said, "well it's not like i give a shit. i'm not married in my head. it's only on a piece of paper."
he said, "fair enough."
they shouldn't make getting married so easy. they shouldn't have courthouse ceremonies. everyone should be there so that they can all see that, yeah, you're really doing this. it might help you think more seriously about it. or it might not. this wasn't even the first time aaron got married. he got married once to a girl he just met at mardi gras. it lasted no more than a few days and was annulled.
he used to tell me he'd do crazy things just to have a story. people love a good story, i guess. and i suppose i have mine now.
last night i dreamed there was evil under my bed.
Evil
To dream that someone or something is evil, denotes a repressed and/or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part of yourself may be seeking recognition and acknowledgment. Alternatively, evil may also be a reflection of your strong, negative emotions like hate, anger, etc.
the night before i dreamt i had an abortion. and i went just after having sex. and she complained about the semen still being in there.
Abortion
To dream that you have an abortion, suggests that you are hindering and blocking your own growth. You may be hesitant in pursuing a new direction in your life. The dream may also be a reflection of your own real-life abortion. And thus serve as a way of healing from the trauma and working towards self-acceptance.
This dream may also be a message for you to take care and look after your health.
i have a lot to work through. i wish i'd remembered to get some pills from aaron. they'd help so much. i don't know where else to get pills.. and i think i'd like to see a therapist again, maybe once i get settled with a job..
i keep thinking andrew is an idiot for wanting to be with me. anyone who'd want to be with me is an idiot.
jude is still living my old lifestyle. i've been wanting to ask him about it. how it works for him for so long.. if he ever intends for it to change.. when i told him about my two gray hairs, he said it's because i'm in a relationship. relationships will do that to you..