nobody is perfect. when do i meet him?
10:24 on a wednesday night and there's no one to talk to. i did talk to a friend for about a half hour and we got cut off and when he called back he said he had to go "take care of something" before going to bed.. husband already has an away message up that suggests sleep. luke pissed, not online and not answering phone. jen not answering phone. jac sitting at home with cramps and a heating pad. brother and girl at a bday party. boyfriend busy.so there's no one. i'm left to solitude and quiet. pondering over my second-to-last night in this room. i suppose i should try to make the most of my very last day.
i think people should have a going away party for me tomorrow. nobody's saying anything to me. how do we do proper goodbyes?
i haven't said much of anything to the rents since the mother blew up at me. either they want to be all in my business, or complain that i didn't get a job while i was here and all i do is sit on my computer and talk on my cell phone.
hey. i thought i was on vacation here.
so i try not to let them catch me spending so much time on the computer, but.. crap, anything i do is going to annoy them anyway.
this is why we don't live at home.
even at dinner, i feel chuck watching me and he gets pissed about something i'm doing, i don't know what it is because he won't say anything. and then mother asks if he's okay and he says he's fine. happens every time. i can't stand people who can't fucking speak up. if there's a problem, say it to my fucking face.
but i digress.
i still don't feel sure about this. am i doing the right thing? am i making another big mistake? i've been expressing my concerns to luke for a while now and i told him last night that i still don't see myself actually doing this. i should be so fucking excited. but can i really handle someone who is so completely the opposite of what i've gotten used to these past 4 (almost) years? i've been with someone who is so stimulating.. and i don't mean sexually, i just mean, he's constantly trying to get a reaction out of me. and now this one can get to be like a floppy fish.. he's so timid sometimes.. he says he wants to have these passionate fights, but.. how do you fight when he is constantly guarded out of fear? i'll fight him. he just has to fight back. and i'll love him for it.
maybe he'll get over it in time..
the first boyfriend was very shy at first. i mean, he could barely speak to me. (i remember asking him or telling him it's okay to maybe say hi to me in class..) but i waited, and i had patience, and i still say giving him a chance was one of the best things i ever did.. no matter how things turned out. so maybe i just need to give andrew a chance. yeah, i know, he said he was going to work on it, but i need to see it, too.
or maybe he'll grow to resent me, thinking i'm trying to change him.
"that's just how i am.."
you are what you want to be. there are no excuses.
he did call me crying after watching one of my favorite movies. a movie that aaron refused to watch. that was special.. and, well.. he sang to me that one time in the subway while waiting for a train. what i loved most about that was that he didn't seem to give a damn about what anyone would think of him singing. and it was just.. we were walking and he stopped me and he said to me, "it's time."
"time for what?"
and he started singing 'my girl'...
spontaneous, goofy, carefree. that's what i loved.
he seems more dragged down now. and maybe it's me. i know i have that effect on people after a while.. i start to think i should never be in a relationship, when i see it happening..
being with aaron taught me so much.. it's incredible. sure, we could fight and yell our fucking heads off. confrontation not a problem. everything out in the open. but i don't think we ever learned to really actually ever listen to each other. we could get shit off our chests, but.. when we were having the same arguments over and over.. yeah, someone's not listening. or too much stubbornness. too much pride. i don't think i have to worry about those things with andrew..