i cant, my darling, i love you so
i still can't get used to this big bright screen. like, i even feel it's hurting my eyes. my two eyes are trying to stretch apart to see the entire screen in full, and it's just not working..it was an 'eh' day. it started off pretty good, i don't know what happened. i woke up early, i was happy about that. i was going with my mom to check out the new library, i was interested in that. but.. after a while with my mom.. it got old and tiring fast. she stretches things out beyond the tolerable time span. granted, at the end, it was me holding them up because i was looking at cookbooks, but still. and she keeps pointing things out.. and saying things that are unnecessary. her enthusiasm for the new library is even a little over done.
two and a half hours at the library and i was dead for the day.
the good news, aaron and i sorta made up. i guess that's always how it is with him. he blows up about something and then gets over it moments later. only, i know he's not over it. but he gave the gesture of getting over it a fair fight. i suppose i can admit i wasn't entirely fair to him, but that's how life is sometimes. that's why you don't get your hopes up.
i think i had let my hopes get a little too high.. i think that's my problem.
me being disappointed that andrew would try ethiopian without me.. and not only without me, with someone else.. i suppose that's comparable here. no, i wouldn't have gotten pissed to the point where i'd say i never wanted to see him again, but.. there's still that stupid, stupid feeling of disappointment.
just like right now when i call and i ask if he's busy and he just says he is, doesn't care to fill me in on anything, and he'll call back later. but that was about an hour and a half ago. stupid hopes, danielle.
don't ever look forward to anything. don't ever expect anything. i thought we told you this, danielle.
imagine the situation for my boyfriend, though.. trying to console me last night about my husband. or something. yeah, aaron made me cry. he can still do that to me. i hated the idea of not seeing him again before i moved. but when he told me he was just going to throw away my box of stuff, including my pretty red optical mouse and the remote to my tv.. that's when i really cried.
i want my stuff, dammit. why am i so attached to my stuff right now?
but while andrew was talking last night.. i couldn't help feeling like aaron was a father to me.. or a son.. or something similarly deeply ingrained into the core being of who i am.. and i cannot let go.
i hate this.. i hate recognizing certain situations and behaviors where i actually would have preferred aaron's response over andrew's. it's not right.. i feel deceptive.. i feel destructive..
i told aaron i don't want to work. you know what he told me? he said, "then what did you go to school for? stop being so goddamn lazy."
i loved his response. it's what i needed. he quickly puts things into perspective and smacks some sense into me. what the fuck would i do without that? i can't lose that.. but he keeps saying once i move there's no reason for us to be friends. and i wish to god he would stop saying that, because i still need him..