i have a husband and a boyfriend
Fucknuts.I don't feel like writing but I'm trying to force myself. I supposed I'd rather write in my handwritten journal, but.. I think that's in the car. And I'm lazy.
Nothing is going right. But.. somehow I'm remaining optimistic. It's almost fun. In a weird way, I guess. My cell phone has died, so I'm without one until next Wednesday. The processor for my new computer came all beat up in a box with a broken seal. So I'm without a cellphone and still without my own computer. Anything else I try to do doesn't work out, either, it seems. I thought I'd see WeakSauce play, but.. I couldn't find the place. So then I thought I'd meet up with Luke who was supposed to be at this bar until 11pm. But it was almost 10pm when I got there and he already left.
I'm running out of money and I guess I'm getting nervous about that. A thousand dollars can go by pretty quickly.
*sigh*
I hate being without my cellphone. I guess I'd gotten used to the convenience, and it sure would've helped my night to work out better if I had one while I was driving around earlier. I've lost all my numbers, and I've lost all my pictures. The pictures that get me most were the ones of Jude. The only pictures of Jude I had. I wanted something to remember him visually by. Anything. It was a unique relationship, and I really liked how it worked. It could've gone like that forever.
I want to go down to Miami and I want to see him again. One last time. Before I move to Chicago. I'm supposed to see Aaron, too, but.. I don't know how to work it out for me to see Jude without telling Aaron. Aaron wouldn't approve. Aaron doesn't like Jude. And I guess he has good reason. But Aaron never cared for most of my guy friends anyway.
*sigh*
And, of course, there's that slight possibility that I may get myself into trouble, seeing Jude. Doing something I shouldn't be doing.. I want to roll with him again.
whatever.
i feel stupid now. stupid and nervous.
luke calls me 'babe' sometimes on IM. it startles me because that's what aaron calls me. i dunno, it started out of nowhere [with aaron]. and sometimes he calls me danibabe. and danibear. i like it. i miss aaron a lot and i keep thinking about all the ways he was good for me. somehow i'd forgotten all of it. before, i knew i couldn't be with him because i can't ever be with someone who can treat people, and me, the way he does. but now, i even miss the mistreatment. i liked feeling comfortable enough to be able to just yell the meanest, vilest things to someone. i said he only brought out the worst in me, but now i even miss that.
i guess i'm just a messed-up, fucked up girl. or something. i only want what i can't have. or, what i don't have at the moment.
andrew.. is a damn good guy. maybe. i don't really deserve him. maybe. i told luke about the last time i slept with aaron. how andrew left in the morning and i fucked aaron that very night. completely wrong. luke said he would've dumped me and he'd have good reason to. i still don't know why andrew took it so well. but maybe it's because he might've exhibited the same kind of behavior, were he in my situation. that doesn't make it sound like he's a good guy. but maybe he's a good guy because he can understand it.
i dunno.
andrew holds things in. and i do, too. aaron never held anything in. i always knew what was going on with him. but he was also the complete opposite of holding things in, to the point where he had trouble controlling himself. and.. he doesn't seem to care when he can't control himself. he always feel justified. he's always in the right. no matter how shitty he ends up treating someone else. and i guess that's where we don't work. andrew.. if you point out something rather undesirable in his behavior, he'll recognize it and he may try to work on it. aaron never seemed to give a shit about bettering himself.
*sigh*
but, of course, his answer to having any problems was to go to a mental hospital.
aaron is very smart, but at the same time not very smart. he just knows how to plead his case with complete confidence, so that even if he's wrong, he can make you believe he's right. i always got sucked in to his stories. and he always had stories. always had excuses. but i dunno.. something about me.. no matter how many times he's let me down, i still believe in him. i'll still believe his word over anyone else's. his needs would come before anyone else's.
i still love him. i'll always love him. fuck. but i've been here before and it doesn't fucking work. i've been through the worst nightmare of my life with him. why the fuck do i have to keep doing this to myself? what i can't seem to understand or remember, is that i only miss him, and i love him more, when i'm not with him. as soon as i'm with him, i want to be without him again. i don't know why i'm like this.