Give it time
Ever since I was a child I wanted to escape.I didn't like my home life so I would dream of running away or being kidnapped or otherwise being placed in a life that was different from what I knew and was given. It's so hard to just accept. Especially when everyone else has it better. The best thing I could figure out to do was to read and block out the world with my books.
In my adult life I find myself in the same situation, over and over. Except this time I'm in these situations by choice. I chose this person. I chose to live here. I chose to work here. It would seem like something I could live with at first. But eventually it all wears out. I don't like this person anymore. I don't like this city anymore. I don't like this job anymore. Did anything change? Or did I just not recognize it when it started? Maybe nothing's ever good enough.
I visit my thoughts these days so seldom that I often just end up repeating myself. I've been here a long time. Maybe now I might finally be doing something about it.
I don't understand how everyone my age these days seems perfectly able to commit to one person. How do they know they will always feel that way? Over and over I thought it was love and I thought it was forever, but it keeps waning out. I suppose, there are people I will always love no matter what, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to spend the rest of my life with only this one person. The benefit of a trail of lovers is that I learn something new about myself with each one I get personal with. In some ways it's a neverending quest. I never want to stop learning about myself. In the end I want not even a tiniest inch of my psyche that hasn't been stretched out beyond repair.
I want to live hard, says someone who sits on her ass all day.
We've stagnated, this current he and i. While I've finally been able to try my hand out at stretching someone else out, he hasn't been able to do a single thing to influence or change me. I want something to push back on. If I push back on this one, I'll just keep falling forward.
He's a keeper, they've all said. And while this may be true, he's not the one I want to keep.
I probably ask too much. I'll probably die single and childless. And maybe that's fine and what I would want anyway. Maybe there are greater adventures in store than family, children and love. Maybe I'm being stupid and holding out for something that will never come.
I have a hard time with disappointing people. As I get closer to making a big change in my life I find I've been worrying about that less. Which is good, wonderful. Not a moment too soon for that.
I also find that with people in any situation I always assume the best. I have a pseudo-friend who worries it's something he did when someone else ignores his attempts to keep in touch. I suppose I could go that route, but I'd rather not. If there's a hint to be taken in this respect I let it pass me by. I assume it's not me, and more rather circumstances in their own life that hold them back or don't allow them the time. I take it from my perspective, I guess, knowing that I get distracted easily and can be hard to keep in touch with. I suppose if someone shows repeated attempts I would be better at getting back to them. Especially if it was someone I cared about.
Hmm. And I see myself in the same situation with this psuedo-friend and I don't try much to make contact.
I think I sort of understand.
...
My, what a horrible hair day this has been.